What would you say to me?

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It is a terrible day. My mind tells me I just used a literary device- a transferred epithet. But my heart is quiet, it just aches. Because it has been a terrible day.

I can’t again go into explaining how unfair, the match I played in the morning was. Is it really routine to have to play the team you have already defeated? And is it half as routine to eliminate a team because it lost two matches and not another, when it lost, yes, two matches too? So I’m just going to find an excuse and pass on, Life isn’t Fair.

I am talking three periods now. Three whole classes of unexplainable tyranny, but all these I would now like to ignore, because after all, what’s the point?

I feel like I have a rubberband holding my head. Tightly. And twice I check. TwiceΒ I check, while walking down the same staircase. There is nothing. Just the feeling of a band digging into my forehead, it’s teasing me as I can do but nothing.

What will you say to me?

A teacher I met as I returned from the library that deceived me (metonymy, I mean the library in-charge). The teacher she knew me. So she asked me to announce something that turned out to be a long-whined fact in some classes. Some classes I have announced in, she said. Which ones? The easy ones. All except the congregation on the first floor. All except effort. Now, look how strange this is- feeling demotivated as I was, I should have detested the task. But I find it- ticklish. Familiar. So familiar.

Don’t you want to say something to me?

In times like these, I ask myself, what’s the point of hope? What’s the point of fighting for anything when all that happens is people constantly weighing you done, constantly whipping you? You become the culprit, you die, while you try to help. So why reform? Why try to do better at all? It’s easy to pass things by. It’s easy to settle down like everyone else- Let it Be. And given the time, the fire to help will die out too. Thankfully. Mercifully. Then all will be well.

Today as I went swimming, and my mother pushed me to swim in the deep, for I am not confident, I did. And in the middle of the pool I stopped. I didn’t see a reason to push on. So I stopped. I just stopped.

What do you do- How should you feel- What reaction is acceptable– when a person prejudices against half the world and who can’t distinguish a question from a plain statement says he’ll do Literature Honours, and the world looks up to him. But he isn’t boastful, you are- because your grammar is correct, and his isn’t. So you’re the snob and he is true. So for him, ‘important’ persists to be ‘importient’ and he is the mob’s scholar…

Is there anything to say? Do you have the words?

I laugh, as it comes of no importance that his story is an ‘adapted’ version of a Hollywood movie while yours- how does it matter, right?

I have reached that point- the one where you want to scream but no sound would come out. Just top it off with a very very sour throat- so sour that you sound like your brother, going through puberty.

I remember Sheldon from the ‘Big Bang Theory’, for no particular reason, and off I go- Penny. Penny Penny. Penny Penny Penny Penny Penny Penny… For some unexplainable reason, it is soothing and fun. Perfect. Nonsensical. Fit!

Passersby must think that the morning’s defeat, in the Unfair Match, has affected my mind.Β  I can’t say if it hasn’t!

Penny Penny Penny Penny Penny Penny…. Say something?

What do I tell my mother… that in all likelihood, people are going to hate me soon? Because they won’t listen when I explain removing myself from many activities and they will want to judge me? All I want to do is grab my mom and sleep. I want to return to those days when new crayons and cotton frocks were all that mattered.

I want to be no more.

My sin is- not being like everyone else. That is why “I have so few friends.” That is why I tend to be disliked. My sin is a voice- having my own voice, thinking my own thoughts. And that has made me unacceptable.

Sigh. These 700 words have been exhausting. I should go to sleep, wouldn’t want to miss this routine as it starts again, tomorrow.

So… will you speak to me? Can you speak to me?

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11 thoughts on “What would you say to me?

    Peter said:
    May 11, 2012 at 6:19 AM

    Love t

      Ruchika responded:
      May 11, 2012 at 12:32 PM

      Thanks! πŸ˜€

    Puneet Dhamija said:
    May 13, 2012 at 6:18 PM

    I won’t speak to you . .. I will listen . .

      Ruchika responded:
      May 14, 2012 at 12:40 PM

      If only more people would understand what that really means!

        Puneet Dhamija said:
        May 14, 2012 at 12:56 PM

        to answer that.. . if you had all your fingers equal, you’ll hard time typing .. . isn’t it ?

    Puneet Dhamija said:
    May 13, 2012 at 7:06 PM

    as I’ve now figured out that one has log-in first than type and click comment.. else, one’s comment is lost between the list connections and ‘site can not be found’ etc.

    Will I speak to you, hell no! I

    Isn’t that the whole world doing, and I dare to be different . . I won’t speak to you.. I’ll listen to you . . no matter the matter.. .

    I can tell you my story too . . when I felt lost, totally but I glad that I watched the movie – The Trueman Show, with your dad and mom !!

    You need to watch it too, I won’t say ‘it changed my life’ – though it may did – better phrase would be – it made my life, my life !!

    I’ve lived my part, through many games, and winning and loosing have not bothered me till I knew I was play my game – I’ve cried sitting in the ITO (Income Tax Office, when uncles of my father’s age asking me to bribe them), I’ve refused to take my words back despite threats of various nature, I’ve played the game because it was my game and winning and loosing has no value except the value I gave it.

    I would say this though to make you understand something. . . everyone is playing their own game in their own language . . and that does not make any game better or otherwise.. the question it the end. . . would be – did you play the game your wanted to play despite all odd and without getting even with anyone.. . as rest of the world is going through it’s own stuff and that does not make your life less important or actions less important . . you need to learn the ”language” of other people. . . you’ll see what exactly they mean . . and I sure you have heard / read this : how they treat you.. does not tell you, who you are . . but who they are! (different wording, I am sure) – so… someone is telling you about himself / herself . .and you are taking such communication to determine your course of life .. hun?

    does the above qualify as an answer to the question: β€œWHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO ME?”

      Ruchika responded:
      May 14, 2012 at 12:57 PM

      It’s very much qualified! πŸ˜€
      Only, I know these things… that how someone treats you tells about them, not us…. and all…. but does that really happen in real?
      For example- In a group of 5, we have to make a project, in 45 minutes in the school. The work has been divided. one person forgets to bring the base sheets, and this person ‘x’ is angry. now he starts getting very irritated, which is only too clear a sign about HIS character right? no. Its your fault that you didn’t call that child enough times, “when you knew that they often forget stuff”, and hence have hurt ‘x’ intentionally. DOES THAT MAKE THE LEAST BIT OF SENSE? but this is what happens; the groupmates spread the tale out, and everyone comes to sympathise with ‘x’, giving you those looks. it’s pretty shitty when this happens on a daily basis, specially when these stupid projects are not the aim of my day! I HAVE more things to do, and in a place where things have been going a certain way for so long, what can I do really to make things better. I can’t even be ignorant! If i see wrong, I CANT sit back and let it happen!
      One more example. this has become a routine so much now, i get in trouble if i dont follow it!
      i am a confident speaker, my English id grammatically correct. very few students at my school have either. So when we are in a group and a teacher comes asking us sth, for example why we are where we are, inevitably, they push me forward, their bastard shriek tongues having recently lost their voice. i take it easily, but they take me for granted, are thankless, and on top of it, are ready to blame anything from then on on me. so i tried a new thing. when the teacher wud come, i wud JUST NOT speak. they tried, but fumbled so much the tecaher thought we were bunking. off we go the Head Mistresses’ room, for sth we didnt do. no one wants to speak still. can i shut up anymore?

      i know feeling demotivated abt things is not a solution. but its really hard to keep hopes up when absolute duffers are scholar batch holders and two words of sense are rare!

        Puneet Dhamija said:
        May 14, 2012 at 1:21 PM

        . . .am I supposed to type here? let me know.. how to copy-paste :-P)

      Puneet Dhamija said:
      May 14, 2012 at 12:58 PM

      on the above. . . I’ve noticed some ‘typo errors’ – and I am sure that does not disqualify me from expressing my views . . that’s my viewpoint on life too, hope you enjoy it πŸ™‚

    Puneet Dhamija said:
    May 14, 2012 at 1:18 PM

    I see what your going through… and I am sure it is bit more complicated than crayons and cotton frocks πŸ˜‰

    in simple words – you are hanging out with the ‘wrong crowd’ – one answer.

    another answer – Tone level – now, to learn that, you need to visit http://www.volunteerministers.org and look for ‘Free on-line training / courses’ and ‘Emotional Tone Scale’ – download a free booklet, watch a video.. and start the course.. and see if you can see better!

    another answer – ”over qualification” should never be an excuse for not being able to be ”accepted” – should it be? – you tell me the answer to this, ok? – is it necessary to be accepted by others ?
    (try looking/google for ‘Code of Honor’ by L. Ron Hubbard, and see if you can follow that too)

    leaders / top management have responsibility for their follows / juniors . . yeap.. it is quite tough up there . . but that is the joy of being a leader ..

    Ah. . . for more technical data regarding people . .on the same website . .’Cause of Suppression’ – you got stuff to learn . . and ARC Triangle – Components of Understanding . .

    in short, you need to be more powerful . . and guess what? Knowledge is power, and ignorance is – what do you call it now a days – shitty!!

    Now, you sit with this choice – down-grade yourself to the level of people you are dealing with or upgrade yourself . . I upgraded myself and haven’t cried since πŸ™‚ and I also know smiling increase my face-value and makes me photogenic too πŸ˜‰

      Ruchika responded:
      May 15, 2012 at 12:01 PM

      Apt approach. uplifting, but – I realise this is only too well on the lines of stubborn- I am not yet convinced. It will take a little more then , even genuine care, help and advice when I’m facing this every single day. ‘Authorities’ don’t seem to help, ‘friends’ seem to be equally incapacitated. I do think I could better judge, coming Thursday. You see the summer vacation starts then. And more often than not, a good, cool break is all the medicine! I mean, how have I been doing it all this time, right?

      Thanks, because in you, always, I have seen an inspiration to still go on. What with all the things you left in middle because they weren’t ‘right’ and progressed to something more, what’s my petty troubles? πŸ˜€ Thanks, uncle!

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