It is a terrible day. My mind tells me I just used a literary device- a transferred epithet. But my heart is quiet, it just aches. Because it has been a terrible day.
I can’t again go into explaining how unfair, the match I played in the morning was. Is it really routine to have to play the team you have already defeated? And is it half as routine to eliminate a team because it lost two matches and not another, when it lost, yes, two matches too? So I’m just going to find an excuse and pass on, Life isn’t Fair.
I am talking three periods now. Three whole classes of unexplainable tyranny, but all these I would now like to ignore, because after all, what’s the point?
I feel like I have a rubberband holding my head. Tightly. And twice I check. Twice I check, while walking down the same staircase. There is nothing. Just the feeling of a band digging into my forehead, it’s teasing me as I can do but nothing.
What will you say to me?
A teacher I met as I returned from the library that deceived me (metonymy, I mean the library in-charge). The teacher she knew me. So she asked me to announce something that turned out to be a long-whined fact in some classes. Some classes I have announced in, she said. Which ones? The easy ones. All except the congregation on the first floor. All except effort. Now, look how strange this is- feeling demotivated as I was, I should have detested the task. But I find it- ticklish. Familiar. So familiar.
Don’t you want to say something to me?
In times like these, I ask myself, what’s the point of hope? What’s the point of fighting for anything when all that happens is people constantly weighing you done, constantly whipping you? You become the culprit, you die, while you try to help. So why reform? Why try to do better at all? It’s easy to pass things by. It’s easy to settle down like everyone else- Let it Be. And given the time, the fire to help will die out too. Thankfully. Mercifully. Then all will be well.
Today as I went swimming, and my mother pushed me to swim in the deep, for I am not confident, I did. And in the middle of the pool I stopped. I didn’t see a reason to push on. So I stopped. I just stopped.
What do you do- How should you feel- What reaction is acceptable– when a person prejudices against half the world and who can’t distinguish a question from a plain statement says he’ll do Literature Honours, and the world looks up to him. But he isn’t boastful, you are- because your grammar is correct, and his isn’t. So you’re the snob and he is true. So for him, ‘important’ persists to be ‘importient’ and he is the mob’s scholar…
Is there anything to say? Do you have the words?
I laugh, as it comes of no importance that his story is an ‘adapted’ version of a Hollywood movie while yours- how does it matter, right?
I have reached that point- the one where you want to scream but no sound would come out. Just top it off with a very very sour throat- so sour that you sound like your brother, going through puberty.
I remember Sheldon from the ‘Big Bang Theory’, for no particular reason, and off I go- Penny. Penny Penny. Penny Penny Penny Penny Penny Penny… For some unexplainable reason, it is soothing and fun. Perfect. Nonsensical. Fit!
Passersby must think that the morning’s defeat, in the Unfair Match, has affected my mind. I can’t say if it hasn’t!
Penny Penny Penny Penny Penny Penny…. Say something?
What do I tell my mother… that in all likelihood, people are going to hate me soon? Because they won’t listen when I explain removing myself from many activities and they will want to judge me? All I want to do is grab my mom and sleep. I want to return to those days when new crayons and cotton frocks were all that mattered.
I want to be no more.
My sin is- not being like everyone else. That is why “I have so few friends.” That is why I tend to be disliked. My sin is a voice- having my own voice, thinking my own thoughts. And that has made me unacceptable.
Sigh. These 700 words have been exhausting. I should go to sleep, wouldn’t want to miss this routine as it starts again, tomorrow.
So… will you speak to me? Can you speak to me?