Time to make this personal blog personal. There are times when I am glad of this blog’s relatively small audience. It is not very comfortable to talk raw. Not for me.
I’m deep in the college application process right now. And finally, I feel tense. I don’t usually worry about results and outcomes, because sometime in the process of waiting, I have usually imagined how my world will go on just fine with any possible decision that comes out. So too, with college.
What I can not, however, settle down with is all this delay. Had the application process been just about me, I would have wrapped it up by now, 15 days from the deadline. But it involves far too much, far too many people- my school administration, my counselor, my teachers, my advisor, my parents- and I am going mad coordinating with everyone. They are all more relaxed of course, since it doesn’t directly affect them, nor are they keeping all the strings together. In fact none of them is even aware of all the dimensions I’m looking into. But then it’s not their job.
When you’ve been in charge and in control all your life, and when everyone sees you like that, it becomes harder still to even admit these things. People haven’t seen you like this, they don’t know how to help you. You have to sort yourself out.
And I’ve been trying to do that, so far. When things start slipping, I take a break. I sleep it out, or I turn up the music, just something that leaves no space in my mind to think of anything else, especially college.
Right now, I am tense. I am too awake, too free, and slowly, the tension is creeping into my sinews. Like when you hold something in too tightly, your jaw starts to ache.
There’s far too much involved in my process. Maybe it’s not like that for everyone, but it is, for me. There is an entire whole human besides me whose life depends on this. And thinking of all the levels it affects, and the depths I have to control, can seem too enormous.
There are essays I have to finish. There are transcripts and letters I have to supply. There are test scores I have to deliver, hoping badly that I get exemptions from a language test. There is fees to be thought of, in the backdrop of the BILL this process is ringing up already, in the backdrop of the tuition I need massive assistance for. There is a confidence of steel I need to have while doing all of that, otherwise I’ll fall apart, fail at reflecting the best of myself, and virtually guarantee not getting admission!
I have to do all this without even having finalised my list of schools yet.
That is like drawing lines on the ground without knowing which game you’re going to play on it. I need to be a very adept eraser. Ready to adapt.
Right now I’m just pretending that documenting this tension will place it somewhere outside of me. Let it exist if it has to, just not in me, because I can’t work like that. This blog is superb in that sense.
There is nothing else to this post really.
That’s ‘all’ just.